The "second years", as they were affectionately called, in the College Student Personnel (CSP, hence my hashtag #csplife) program have graduated, which means my two persons are moving on from WIU. They say friends are the family we choose, but I disagree. I think Jervic, Tee and me are a love story of friendship for the ages that none of us saw coming. I am not an outwardly emotional person but felt I needed to put in writing my sentiments about the two people without whom my life in Macomb would have been a lot more challenging and contained a lot less crazy, fun, spontaneous adventures. Thanks to everyone, especially but not only those two, who helped me through this past semester. You all have embraced every annoyingly charming thing about me, in fact you encourage it, and that is what will have me looking forward to return to Macomb. This semester has been mentally and emotionally demanding in many ways but we survived and have come out more fabulous than ever. That's all the mush I can muster but for those of you who are soon to be in the Mac or are already there, the mission begins #findhollyfriends2015 (kidding, sort of).
But seriously, San Diego has been the perfect distraction for me to focus on. After all, I'm nothing if not extremely fantastic at avoiding situations that are happening right in front of me. It's kind of like, a superpower, always looking for the next adventure while the other one just hasn't quite finished up.
Alright so, tonight marks my fifth night here, with only two shorts months until I, myself, become a "second year" CSP'er. Tonight also marks five nights and four days of the most sleep and relaxation I have known since winter break. This brings me to my main point. All semester, as the work piled on and my mental state wavered, I longed for a day where I did not have any expectations of me. A day where I had nothing in my schedule and did not have to think about what homework or deadlines were coming up the next week. I had break downs of exhaustion waiting for this day to come. But, there is a major element I forgot, I don't know how to do nothing.
Let me inform you on the exciting series of events and realizations this weekend has brought me. After a brief tour of the housing office at SDSU (which, by the way, is an amazing campus) on Friday, I was free to have the weekend to myself. This meant 3.5 days of absolute freedom with no expectation at all. I caught up on some Netflix Friday night, binging on popcorn before falling asleep, a lot like Sleeping Beauty with more drool. Saturday morning I awoke in cold sweats wondering why my alarm had not gone off and wondering how late I was. And then I realized, I was not late and there was no alarm. There was simply a full day of whatever I wanted to do, but I didn't know how to do that. I struggled for a couple hours, drinking coffee and texting anyone who would respond (mainly Tee) before I decided to head out and explore the city. This brought to a shopping mall, a wonderful place called Fashion Valley. I will be returning there.
Now, I am someone who considers themselves to be introverted at times but for the most part, I am extremely social. I like people, well most of them, okay some of them. This weekend, I went two full days without speaking verbally to anyone. Sorry, I'm lying. I did say "Can I get a Grande Pike with cold soy milk" to the barista this morning. But for the most part, it has been me, hollyd, alone with her thoughts. It has been oddly freeing, terrifying and extremely boring all at once.
Though I have not stayed in my apartment all weekend because, after all, San Diego needs to know that I'm here, it has felt like I have been in my own little bubble of a world. Today I woke up frustrated with how bored I was. This is when I started to reflect on a few things. First of all, I am in a field where people is a large part of my job, so I have that going for me. Secondly, isn't it funny that this freedom was all I wanted and now that I have it, I have no idea how to handle it? Who would have thought that having nothing to do would be more challenging than having a three page to-do list? Thirdly, and this is a big one, I am finally homesick. I have not felt this way once in ten months but here it is, this odd, prickling feeling creeping up on me. Now, check yourselves, because I am not homesick for Vancouver, but for Macomb. I miss my routine (gasp, I'm as shocked as you), I miss my people, and (oh my god I'm about to say it) I miss the small town feel. It could be my superpower of avoidance that didn't allow me to get closure on the year quite in the way I should have. But, as much as I miss those things, I know that many of them (with the exception of the beloved second years) will be there waiting for me in nine short weeks. I think this weekend, as much as it was difficult, helped me to prepare for this adventure on my own. I needed to adjust to things and being alone to do it was what I needed to gear up for what is ahead.
I love being back in a city, I love being close to the ocean again and I love the feeling of the unknown that lies ahead of me. So San Diego, SDSU, bring it, I'm ready.
GGLI,
hollyd
